I’ve written and re-written this post. A lot has happened in the past couple of days. More dirty glory. More outcomes from my year of praying dangerously.
I’m being called to be brave. To step forward into things which I really don’t want to have to do. This week the channel 4 news brought to light allegations of very serious physical abuse of boys at christian summer camps nearly 40 years ago. The allegations were investigated in 1982 but there was inaction and very serious consequences for more boys. It’s heartbreaking and appalling. The issue of the lack of transparency in church leadership hits close to home, and I think there are things that need addressed within a particular denomination and I think I may have some insights which I should be sharing. I don’t really want to have to do it, but I’m no longer feeling afraid in the way I once was. This may be where my oneword ‘pray’ is taking me.
Tonight at church we sang ‘Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me. Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me.’
A storm uproots and lays bare. A rushing wind blows over objects and makes it hard to hold on to things.
If I write all that has been happening there is a chance that I will be writing about events which although true, make me wonder if maybe you will think I’m doing great things. Maybe you’ll think I’m some kind of super cool christian who’s got it together.
And I’m not. Tonight at church I wanted to bundle up in the foetal position as we worshipped. I wanted to become as small as I could. I feel like an animal shedding its skin. It’s uncomfortable but I know that its because I’m growing. But it’s hard and a bit frightening until I remember that all I am doing is trying to get as close to Jesus as I can, and that the journey itself is irrelevant to some extent. The part that matters is the obedience and the losing of self in the following.
That’s why writing about it feels wrong.
So I’m not sure where to go with this. Whether to write or not. I guess I’ll figure it out in the days to come as I try to listen more carefully.
But what I do know is that I can feel the wind blowing. It’s getting hard to hold on to some things. The storm is on its way.