So I think it’s only right to record here that I’ve not managed to keep my Lent resolution of not trying to find out what the person from my past is doing now. I managed 10 days ‘clean’ but then I lapsed.
I didn’t want to write about it, but this is an honest blog, so I’ve got to put it out here.
But here’s the thing.
In the past when I’ve broken my own resolutions in this area I’ve thought – right that’s it, no point in even trying, I clearly can’t do this. Might as well give in.
But, because I have learned and I keep trying to remember ( and believe) that doing something I don’t want to do doesn’t make me bad or useless, pathetic or hopeless, rather, it is normal, standard, predictable human behaviour which God in Christ anticipated, and even the great apostle Paul experienced, ( For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Romans 7 v 18 and 19), I have told you of my lapse and now I’m going to get on with trying to do the good I want to do.
You see I do want to do what is good.
I know it’s good for me to let the past heal. I know why I was pulled in again – some events in the present triggered the past, and my emotions went a bit all over the place again.
And that too is ok. It shows I’m normal and human, and not healed or perfected just yet 🙂 (and if you are reading this I am so so grateful to the friends who give me that reassurance time and time again, even when it’s all getting a bit old ).
So with this post I’m back aiming for the good I want to do. I need to practice doing the good I want to do. I need to keep doing it. and then more. and more.
I’ve said ‘Jesus this is hard. HELP,‘ and I’m back with my eyes fixed on the light and my hand in His.
I’m linking this post with some beautiful writers over at #wholemama, a group open to anyone whose writings are curated by Erika Shirk at Overflow.
[Post script: I read this post by Katie Bergman this morning and it helped me enormously. Maybe you’d like to read it too ? It’s about self love and how we need to love ourselves ( treat ourselves with love) not just in spite of our flaws but because of them. This is me trying to do just that. I’m not beating myself up or feeling I’m now not able to write about Lent and forgiveness. Instead I’m telling myself that’s why I am able to write about it. Because what I write is a story of God. A God who loves us just as we are.]