So as previously mentioned the other in my story was a minister, and he still preaches. And thanks to the internet I am able to listen. I know that it’s probably a really stupid thing to do, but I guess over the past two years I’ve been wanting signs that he’s sorry or he’s changed or he’s been honest with the congregation he now worships with. Needless to say there has been none of that.
Today I listened as he preached on the passage from Hebrews about running the race. The thing that I realised as I heard him speak was that I very much suspect that all that happened between us has been assigned to the category of ‘spiritual attack’. Therefore it was not about the state of his marriage, nor about his character, nor about his appropriateness for ministry, nor about the unmet needs in his life, …… nor about me. In that kind of re-telling I merely become an accessory to Satan. Nice.
In using the running analogy he talked of throwing aside the things that entangle us. Again, I think that was probably me. And I wanted to interrupt and say ‘but we are not supposed to trip up the other people running the race. We aren’t supposed to shove them over so that we can get ahead. We aren’t expected to leave them bleeding in the dirt at the side of the track with a twisted ankle.’
and then I heard a small voice in my Spirit saying – but I didn’t leave you. I followed you to the ground. I sat with you on the edge of the track. I took care of you. I bandaged your wounds. I held you while you cried, and I called some other runners over to help you back on to your feet, and to put their arms around you as you took your faltering steps back onto the track. And that is all that matters.
And as I begin, again, with tentative steps this section of the race which is, I think for me, the forgiveness section, I am freed and amazed and not a little bit thrown when I realise that forgiveness is about God wanting my wholeness. It is not about justice or apology or understanding. It is about God helping me to be less broken than I am. And although I feel the task is far too much for me to manage, I go into it trusting in a God who can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. Yesterday I read through my 31 days series and despite it being an account of a period of time in my own life, I was newly amazed by God’s love and intimate care.
So I do trust God. And I am filled with thankfulness for all that He has already done for me.