Day 31: It's not the end

It’s the end of the series, but not the end of the story. The series was ‘hope for a messed up marriage’ and you have seen that there has been hope in abundance. Pressed down, yet still overflowing. Appearing when I needed it most. Lifting me back on my feet and holding me as I walked.

I told the truth to the elders in my church. To those who I felt needed to know. They were loving, and kind, and understanding and non-judgemental and accepting. I was released from shame.

I am still with my husband and I do love him again. It took me months to say those words. I don’t find things easy. I don’t feel emotionally connected often, but I do want his good. I want to support him. I want to see him grow. I want to be there for him. I value him, his character, his judgement, his humour. I love how we parent together. I adore our children. We are making plans for the future.

I am not yet free of the past. I still struggle daily. I keep wrestling. I keep leaning in to God. That’s all I can do.

I love God more than I ever have before. Why ? I told Him that He had to become everything to me. I told Him that I needed tangible confirmations. I told Him I would do total honesty and I’d see if He could take it. He’s met my challenges. My arrogant demands. My need to be loved. My need to be understood. My need to be known. He’s got them all. His words to me in the bible are life, and strength and hope.

I will continue to write this blog. So if you want to keep walking with me I would be honoured to have your company.

Just in case this is the last time you come here I want to share some really important things I’ve learned through this very painful season.  

God is enough.  More than enough.

But this is really easy to forget and you will need to be reminded of it frequently.

Tell people in your life, who you can trust, what the hard things are.

I have not had anything but love, acceptance and support from those I’ve told. I didn’t expect that, especially from those who knew everyone involved. Why did they respond like that? I think it’s because we are all flawed, broken people. I am like you; you are like me. We don’t need to hide our flaws from each other. You will still be loved even if the cracks show. And showing the cracks is the way to stop them from becoming larger.

Be honest. With yourself, with other people.

This is hard, but so important. If I accept my weaknesses I can better protect myself against them. By way of example, over these past few days there is something I’ve wanted to do but I’ve known it was not right. It would have been an action born from hurt and would have caused hurt. I told a few well chosen friends what I was thinking about doing. I knew that in telling them I would protect myself from carrying out the behaviour. Not because they  tell me I am horrible, or bad, or they will ‘like me less’ if I do it, but because once they knew, they were standing with me, arm in arm, helping me to resist. I don’t actually want to be someone who behaves badly, and hurts others. But I’m human and hurting. My friends know this, and so they just take my hands and help me to stand firm.  They couldn’t do that if I wasn’t honest with them.

Set shame aside.

It’s not something we should carry. We are redeemed and loved, and that is our status. This is another hard thing to believe and an even harder thing to live, but it’s true.

Marriage is bloody hard work.

It takes so much effort and so much commitment. You are not failing if this is how it feels to you. I think this is pretty normal. Talking about this with other people helps, as it can normalise our difficulties and stop us feeling like we are the worst person in the world for feeling like this.

Failing and sinning and messing up does not stop God from using you to increase his Kingdom.

It is ok to let friends who aren’t followers of Jesus know that you, as a follower of Jesus, are a total or sometimes, mess. My weaknesses will not stop God from being God. I have a friend who has been through a very similar situation to me. She would not have called herself in any way a person of faith.  We have met and talked, and cried together. We message each other on bad days. We keep reminding each other why we are working to restore our marriages. She thinks God is working in all of it. She’s seen Him. despite my mess.

Hope is not wishful thinking or crossing your fingers.

Hope is not putting a positive spin on things and pretending that life is all ok. Hope is Jesus, who died in my place, who rose to life, and in doing so proved that there is something stronger than the darkness which can threaten to overwhelm us. Hope means I can overcome. I will find joy. I know the truth and the truth has set me free. 

So if you carry on with me I will be glad to have you here. If you want to get future posts then you can sign up to receive emails.

If this is where we part company then thank you for being here, but for now, goodbye, and go well.

 

 

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26 thoughts on “Day 31: It's not the end

  1. I so enjoyed following you. You speak from the heart and are gut honest. You are real and vulnerable in your relationship with Jesus. I wish I was more like you. Looking forward to reading future posts!

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    1. Don’t be more like me – be more like you . I think that’s what we all are called to be. I’m just trying to see what that me is like, and I guess that takes being real and vulnerable. I’m glad to have had your encouragement and company.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful ! Two things especially: “God is enough. More than enough.” and “Hope is Jesus, who died in my place, who rose to life, and in doing so proved that there is something stronger than the darkness which can threaten to overwhelm us.”
    I subscribed earlier today, so I’ll be continuing with you on the journey. Thank you for all you’ve shared thus far.

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  3. I have really enjoyed reading your story this month and have been blessed by your honesty. My situation is a little different but I have to say I have come to a lot of the same conclusions. The more hopeless our situation, the more we lean on God in our lives and the more opportunity we give him to do amazing things. I look forward to continuing to read!

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  4. Everything about this post made me want to scream Amen! You are a beautiful writer, but what’s more, you are a brave writer. And even though this is the first post I’ve read of your series, I can’t wait to go back and read the whole thing! Thank you for your inspiring words. I especially loved how you said that God was big enough to handle your arrogant demands! Oh how I’ve found that to be true in my own life so many times! God bless and can’t wait to read more from you. ; )

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  5. I lived how you ended your series. You have been SUCH an encouragement I me, because even though our stories are different some of our struggles are similar and our faithful God is the same. I love your bravery & your honesty and look forward to keeping up with your blog.

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  6. A friend stumbled across your blog and thought it might help me. My husband and I had drifted so far apart and I was drowning in my marriage which lead me to a relationship with another. My husband and I were separated for 6 months. We had filed for a divorce even. But then God stepped in. Things happened that changed our hearts. I saw the other for what he truly was. Only God can restore all the brokenness and heal. I want to thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me understand my own feelings and emotions. No one seems to understand and I have felt alone. But reading your journey of healing and seeking God, it encourges me to continue on my own journey of seeking God and His healing. My husband and I will celebrate 19 years of marriage in January. Thank you. I look forward to what you write next.

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    1. Jennifer I am so grateful to your friend who pointed you in the direction of this blog. When I started writing last January I felt so alone. I couldn’t find anyone who seemed to have been where I was. We are not the only ones who have felt like this. I wanted to share my story in the hope that others might find it and know that they are not alone. It is such a hard place to be, and yet, God has redeemed. I am massively encouraged to hear that you too have a story of redemption. God really, really loves us doesn’t he? I can’t quite believe what He has done. And I know that He has so much more to do. I look forward to sharing more of this journey with you.

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  7. Hey friend. I absolutely LOVE what Jesus is doing here as you share your story and invite so many others into your journey. Sister. His redemption is so, so beautiful. I love you. Thank you.

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