Every morning I turned to my bible and my book of daily readings. Thinking about things now, I don’t know whether because I was turning to the bible NEEDING it to speak to me that I found so much meaning in it? I’ve been reading my bible for most of my life and often it has felt like a routine chore which just has to be done. I am realising now that maybe at those times I wasn’t actually seeking direction or correction or wisdom from it. The lack of connection was on my side.
I wrote on a day in June, having just written about wanting to do something/ almost doing something which I knew was, in anyone’s view, very wrong ;
” I haven’t read my bible in the past 2 day. It makes me aware how weak my hold is unless I intentionally place my hand into the hand of God each and every day. I must keep doing that. I was thinking about the Morning Prayer this morning. ‘Do you seek Him with all your strength?’ My strength isn’t to go into trying to make my marriage work or pretend or anything, it’s got go into seeking God. That’s where it should be used and if I am doing that then the rest will follow. I must keep remembering that.”
That was a really significant realisation. The reality of life at that time, as I went on to record in my journal, was that I wasn’t sleeping, I was attempting to reduce my anti-depressant medication without much success, I’d developed a stress related skin problem and I still didn’t have any real hope that my marriage would recover. I was struggling to manage work and family responsibilities. I didn’t think I could ‘try’ any harder. It was a relief to realise that the strength I had was not to fuel my attempts to fix things. Rather it was to keep seeking God. Read my bible every day. Pray. Be open. Listen.
As I read my bible this verse spoke to me:
‘Though I have fallen I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness the Lord will be my light. ‘
Micah 7 v 8
If we seek God we find the light. We don’t have to generate the light ourselves.
This photo was taken one morning, many months ago. The sky was lit with glorious light and colour for only a few minutes before the clouds masked it’s brightness. But behind the clouds the light was still there. That is how it is so often for me. I know the light is there. I have seen dazzling explosions of light. Magnificent colours. I have been so awed by its beauty that nothing else matters. All I want is more of that light. And then the clouds come. I need to keep remembering that the light has not gone. It’s still there. I need to keep looking with eyes of faith to what lies beyond. To know that the certainty of hope has not changed, no matter what clouds appear.
Seek the Lord with all your strength.
Lights in the darkness
Post script : I am nearing the end of my 31 day series Hope for a Messed up Marriage. Even though the 31 days are almost complete, neither the hope, nor the mess have gone! Prior to writing this series I wrote this blog as a diary of hope. I am thinking about how to continue on from this point.
My heart is to keep sharing from my brokeness in an honest way so that you and I can know that to follow Christ is not about pretend and perfection. It’s about love and grace and leaning in.
If you have been following this series, or the blog for longer, I would really appreciate knowing what it is that you keep coming back for ?! In some ways my story for the rest of my life will be a story of marriage redemption, but it will also be a story of other things too. I would like to keep writing, but I really am praying about the way to take things forward from here. Please, please, let me know your thoughts – I have valued conversation with you all so much in this month. Thank you for walking this part of the journey with me.