Day 26: At the foot of the cross

Yesterday’s post left me recognising what I was holding on to. Good Friday came and I knew that I had to acknowledge that I accepted the death of Christ – not just in a head-way, but in actually allowing myself to let go of the things which he wanted to take from me.

I wrote my confession. I didn’t know what was going to be in it but as I started to write it all came.

I wrote asking for forgiveness and I wrote that I accepted the forgiveness God wants to give me.

I named all that I wanted to let go of and hand over to him.

I took that piece of paper, and another, which I’d been carrying with me for 9 months and I found shells with holes through them. I put the papers inside and after a period of inner wrestling (it is so hard to let go sometimes) I walked into the sea and let them go.

I found rocks which represented the things I was giving to God (paper didn’t quite feel heavy enough) and I threw away the hurt from betrayal, and my shame, and destroyed pride, and anxiety. I realized that Jesus understood all of those feelings. I didn’t need to explain.

And then, he asked me a question. He said “what about forgiveness ?” I shouted back ‘”You f****** want me to do that as well? Haven’t I done enough”.

“No”, he said. “I want you to do that. “

I understood. How could I come knowing that I was being forgiven, that my heavy rocks were being taken from me, and still be unforgiving ?

Through my painful tears I said the words Jesus wanted to hear from me.

When I finished sobbing and wiped my face I threw my tissues in the sea too. Against all ‘don’t litter in the sea’ responses in my head I knew that I needed to hand over my tears too. They are his now. He can use them as he thinks best.

As I walked away knowing I’d been at the foot of the cross I asked, humanly, selfishly, demandingly for a tangible sign. A sign that showed me that what I had done was what he wanted me to do. That leaving all those things behind was not going to be a loss but a blessing. I looked at the pebbles and everywhere I looked there were heart shaped stones and shells. I collected 4 or 5 before my pockets were full and I just had to smile every time I saw another. And then a white shell caught my eye. “This is how I see you”, said my Father. “Redeemed, unashamed, beautiful, clean.”

And so I waited for Easter day. Knowing that I was on the path of life. My hand empty of all that I was grasping and free to take the hand of God.

Lights in the darkness 

‘Lord when your cross pierces

our own desires

and makes us call out,

let our cry be, through our pain

My God, I trust in you

My God, I trust in you.’

“‘Lord some of us are never far from tears,

and some of us have forced ourselves not to cry.

Bring our tears into your captivity and direction,

That they respond to your voice.

You have the words of eternal life.”

‘Will it never end?

I’m not as sure as when I started.

I never knew it would be like this.

But this is my firm choice:

Lord, I will go on with you.

Lord, I will go on with you.” from Celtic Daily Prayers

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16 thoughts on “Day 26: At the foot of the cross

  1. Oh I love your style. I talk to Jesus like that too, and in His incredible unconditional acceptance for us, I don’t think He even notices and just carries on loving us regardless. He knows us so well and allows us to live within the style of our idiosyncrasies.

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  2. I’m always moved by your posts, but never exactly sure what to say. You go, Girl? Maybe more like, you go, God! Seeing him so clearly at work in your life through some hard, hard stuff is so moving and encouraging. I feel like God is elbowing me and saying, “See? See how I can work if you surrender everything to me?”

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    1. Yes, yes, yes ! I love that you are feeling nudged 🙂 I totally agree that it’s ‘you go, God!’. Sharing my life in all its messiness is really just a way of showing how incredible God is. How can he love me? How can he care for me so deeply and provide for me in such intimate ways? It really has surprised/ shocked/ rescued me. Do it – surrender everything and see what happens 🙂

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  3. It’s amazing that you saw a white shell. Just this morning, my pastor was talking at church about Revelation 2:17 – the white stone Jesus promises to those who overcome, with a new name written on it. My pastor was saying that at the time that letter was written, the Romans would judge somebody by casting a black stone if they were guilty and a white one if they were innocent.

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  4. Such a stunning story! I truly believe this is what Good Friday and Easter are all about—death and resurrection! Thanks for continuing to share your story!

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  5. I love reading about how you relate to Jesus. It’s so real and gut honest. I think sometimes I just say all the things that are right and what I’m taught to say and do and think. But you are real. I’m drawn to that realness. That realness leads to life. Abundant. With hope.

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    1. Jolynn, without doubt real is leading to life. It is painful and hard, and yet I don’t know now, how else to be. There is a lot more to this story than has been shared on this blog, but people tell me I am very brave and courageous in facing truth. I really don’t know what the alternative would be, as I am discovering more and more that it is only by being real that I can do this life thing. I think I was at such a low point that I could’t pretend to be what I was not, and then to discover that at just that point, that Jesus wrapped his arms around me and told me how much He loved me, has given me an ability to say ‘this is ok’. Real is ok. Let’s keep talking 🙂

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  6. I love it that we can be completely honest with God and He loves us completely. It’s great to read about you listening, and hearing God. Looking forward to the rest.

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  7. I’m in a soft play centre with my kids, sitting reading your blog with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart while they play unaware. So moving.

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