The day after the poetry, the verses I read in my daily bible reading plan were these:
Isaiah 59 : 11-12
The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well watered garden
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age old foundations
You will be called Repairer of Broken walls
Restorer of streets with dwellings.
Yet another promise that it was the Lord who was going to guide and satisfy me. Even if I was living in a parched desert, I’d be given the water I needed, not just to survive, but to thrive and repair things.
A few days later the verse was this:
1 Chronicles 22 v 19
“Now devote your heart and soul to seeking the Lord.”
and the verse at the bottom of my journal page where I began to pour out my heart ….
“Even though the fig trees are all destroyed, and there is neither blossom left nor fruit, and though the olive crops all fail, and the fields lie barren; even if the flocks die in the fields and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will be happy in the God of my salvation.” Habakkuk 3: 17,18
The message was plain. The Lord was going to be my reason for rejoicing. My salvation was the cause for celebration. Other things were of much less significance. I needed those reminders, as I was finding things very difficult. I wrote in my journal:
“I feel angry and abandoned. So, so hurt by what has gone before. Daily I remember things said or done and just can’t take in the retraction and lies that followed . I feel so diminished and stupid and so so vulnerable. Everything in me has wanted to hide this week. Foolishly I thought that making a decision to stay in the marriage would ease everything but of course it hasn’t. If anything it feels as if the battle has intensified. It is all so, so hard to bear. The ‘what if’ questions keep coming. There are no answers so I set it aside. Every day will be one more day and then one more week and then one more month. I never imagined we’d make it to March 23rd. Is God enough? Can he be ? Wait.”
I turned to the meditation for the day and this is what it said:
“As the rain hides the stars,
as the autumn mist hides the hills,
happenings of my lot hide the shining of Thy face from me.
Yet, if I may hold Thy hand in the darkness,
it is enough
since I know that though I may stumble in my going,
Thou dost not fall. “
I couldn’t see a shining face or the stars, but I kept hold of the hand in the darkness. That was all I could do. That was enough.