Day 19: Is God enough? Can he be ?

Thanks for joining me here. In case this is your first time on my blog I should give you a little background. The series I am writing is a narrative of the journey I’ve been on since an extra-marital relationship on my part brought to light the brokeness in my marriage. I’ve been walking through the past year holding on to the word Hope.  Today’s post is about a day where God gave me words that changed everything. Grace.

I ended yesterday’s post as I drove to spend a weekend with a friend. Part of my plan for the weekend was that together, we could try the creative activity that was the focus of my Lent course for that week; to write some bible blackout poetry and found poetry. I had hesitated to try this alone, as I was worried about what God might say to me if I allowed myself to open up to the Holy Spirit in that way. Poetry touches my soul in deep and inexplicable ways and poetry had been shared by myself and the other. I wasn’t sure I wanted to ever explore poetry again in my life.

My friend had been a cloud spotter for me that morning. Our friendship went back to our teen years at school. She had known all the parts of my journey. She’d seen me through the time, ten years previously, when I thought my marriage was over. I had sent her frantic emails from the other side of the world when I’d had the life shattering conversation with my husband. She knew my heart. She still loved me.

She told me where she spotted the clouds – where she saw God fulfilling his promises to me. Being with her allowed me to begin to peel some of the protective layers away from my deepest places. It prepared me to allow God to speak to those deep places.

With some trepidation but also anticipation I sat down with my bible. The idea was to find a passage and read it through praying that the Holy Spirit would speak through the words. Then to read it through, underlining any words or phrases that stood out. Next to add any other words from the passage which linked or joined those underlined. Finally to black out all other words.

I found a passage in Kings which I’d never read before, about a king’s recovery from illlness. I began to pray and read and poetry formed. What I wrote was this:

Sickness depart

Plucked up and removed

I have rolled up my life.

Night.

Help. Bring an end.

Weary Looking upward

Lord, my security. Sleep.

Lord these things live

Life, spirit, hope, faithful

Living thanks I make known they faithfulness.

Sing. Recover.

Those words spoke to me. They acknowledged the desperate cry of my heart to just finish things, but they also brought me to a place of knowing that there was still life, and God was faithful. The last line felt like a promise.

The next part of the exercise was to free write five or six pages immediately, prompted by the blackout poetry. It was as if my emotions and words and prayers were unlocked and my pen covered pages in my scrawled script. When I felt I had reached the end I had to read through those pages and underline six phrases or sentences which stood out to me. They were to be numbered according to the order in which they appeared in my pages and I then applied a numbered system to create a poem from them.

As I re-read what I wrote it fell into two parts. The first was my ‘complaint’ as with the book of Job. It was an outpouring of my longings and my despair. My inability to believe that I would ever recover from this pain. My reticence to trust anyone ever again. My hope that one day I would find joy again in a number of very specific things. The second part was God’s answer to me. It was the longer part. It spoke to the deepest places.

I read it hesitantly to my friend. We cried and thanked God for answering my cry.

I doubt that I will ever share the words I wrote on those pages with anyone else. They were deeply personal and felt like a love letter.

I will however share the poem that came from them:

Is God enough? Can he be? Wait.

Shame has suffocated and blinded me. Breathe great breaths of life.

I will never hurt you, neglect you, diminish you or shame you.

Come close to me; you will learn to trust love again and you will sing again

Shame has suffocated and blinded me. Breathe great breaths of life.

It will shine with the radiance of all that is touched by my beauty.

Come close to me; you will learn to trust love again and you will sing again.

There is no shame in singing.

It will shine with the radiance of all that is touched by my beauty.

I will never hurt you, neglect you, diminish you or shame you.

There is no shame in singing.

Is God enough? Can he be? Wait.

Lights in the darkness.

I have linked this post with #givemegrace over at Lisha Epperson’s community. The words I was given on that day were grace to me in abundance

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16 thoughts on “Day 19: Is God enough? Can he be ?

  1. What a powerful exercise and beautiful poetry. Isn’t it amazing how scripture can talk to us just where we need it? Just the words you needed to hear that day. And how wonderful is God’s love and grace that He can be enough for any of us, no matter what road we’ve been down.

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  2. Your poetry is deeply moving. Your story is deeply moving. Your life is deeply moving as I read. I can learn so much from your rich words. Thanks for sharing your story and don’t stop ever sharing. Xoxo

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  3. Wow! Your poetry is stunning. I write poetry too and for me so many times it has been a prayer to God. Your words that day were a prayer; plea; promise to God. Pure grace was definitely given to you that day. Gods grace is sufficient!!!

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