Day 17: a day when the use of expletives proved to me the reality of God

“When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who knows my way.”

Psalm 142 v 3

Those were days of a faint spirit. It was a time where I felt uncertain about whether I could commit to my marriage again. Yes, I was still there but I was never far from calling time on everything. I knew that my uncertainty was creating and encouraging a fragility about all our interactions, but I didn’t feel I could do anything else. I didn’t feel that I was at a point where I could, or had to, make a decision and I just hoped that I’d know when I had got to that point.

I would guess that it is always true, that when someone forms a relationship with someone outside their marriage or partnership, it is because they are missing things within their established relationship. Very early on I had identified a number of those defecits which the other filled for me, and I for him. One of the things that I knew I needed to do, for my own well being, was to get those defecits filled from ‘safe’ places. I knew that they couldn’t remain empty; my need for them to be filled was just too great. I kept asking God to do it and I also looked at ways I could have those needs met safely. As I moved through those weeks I noticed the whispers of God showing me that I was understood and He knew how to communicate with me in ways that would mean something to me.

But doing new things, from such a broken place, was almost more than I could manage.  I realised the physical and emotional toll which the previous months had taken on me. I was not who I used to be. I felt pathetic. A friend held me as I cried.

I wrote this in my journal as I reflected on whether I really was as pathetic and weak as I was perceiving myself to be: ( warning: strong language)

‘I had years of unhappiness and difficulties and then I was loved by someone who I loved, and then he left me and hurt me and lied about me and I don’t love my husband but I’m staying because I think I should for the children and for him and it feels selfish to break things up and I’m depressed, and I’m working and I’m supporting other people and I’m looking after children and I’m trying to restore myself and I’m trying to keep exercising and eating. It is fucking amazing that I am even getting up in the mornings.

And that tells me that God is real and present and that I have strength because of that and because of who He made me to be. And I hope against hope, or maybe because of hope, that there are no right or wrong answers apart from the truth of knowing God and trusting Him.’

Even then. Lights in the darkness.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Day 17: a day when the use of expletives proved to me the reality of God

  1. I too have tried to find fulfilment of unmet needs in safe places, only to find myself exhausted and overwhelmed by the effort and my own fragility. The healing process is unbelievably slow!

    Like

    1. yes, so slow. And I know so well the exhaustion. I did reach a point where I needed to try less hard to find the needs met elsewhere, as through the process of staying and a changing relationship with my husband they began to be met at home. That really helped as it has become so much less tiring to stay. I take hope from the fact that you mention the slowness of healing that maybe some healing is taking place. Hang in there! I know how hard it is so you know I am not saying that lightly .

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s