Only days later I was really struggling again.
“Today is about survival. It’s about staying and not running away. It’s about God given strength because there is none of my own. It’s about surrender to God’s love, and a giving up of my will and my plans. It’s about holding on to hope. I have no words.”
I was throwing myself on the goodness of God. I was frequently articulating in my head, and out loud – ‘ok God, if you want me to stay here you are going to have to be everything to me, because I am not prepared to carry on without feeling loved and liked and understood. If I am not going to get it from the man I am married to, and I’m not to go looking for it elsewhere, then you are going to have to deliver.’
I had no doubt that the God I was trusting could do that. I just wasn’t sure that He would do it for me. I had, however committed to the word hope for the year, and that meant that I had to let it have a chance. That was why I stayed.
So how did I get through those dark days? I read the bible every day looking for it to speak to me. When I had no words I listened to Gungor and let their words speak for me. Their songs, Beautiful Things, Please Be my Strength and You Have Me were my ‘on a loop’ soundtrack. I wrote. I discovered that through writing I could work process my feelings so that I could keep going. I was blessed with friends who walked with me through the darkness. Who held my hands as we prayed; who held my head as I sobbed.
Life felt very dark but somehow Hope kept me going through those days.