Day 12: Please be my strength

Only days later I was really struggling again.

I wrote:

“Today is about survival. It’s about staying and not running away. It’s about God given strength because there is none of my own. It’s about surrender to God’s love, and a giving up of my will and my plans. It’s about holding on to hope. I have no words.”

I was throwing myself on the goodness of God. I was frequently articulating in my head, and out loud – ‘ok God, if you want me to stay here you are going to have to be everything to me, because I am not prepared to carry on without feeling loved and liked and understood. If I am not going to get it from the man I am married to, and I’m not to go looking for it elsewhere, then you are going to have to deliver.’

I had no doubt that the God I was trusting could do that. I just wasn’t sure that He would do it for me.  I had, however committed to the word hope for the year, and that meant that I had to let it have a chance. That was why I stayed.

So how did I get through those dark days?  I read the bible every day looking for it to speak to me. When I had no words I listened to Gungor and let their words speak for me. Their songs, Beautiful Things, Please Be my Strength and You Have Me were my ‘on a loop’ soundtrack.  I wrote. I discovered that through writing I could work process my feelings so that I could keep going. I was blessed with friends who walked with me through the darkness. Who held my hands as we prayed; who held my head as I sobbed.

Life felt very dark but somehow Hope kept me going through those days.

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “Day 12: Please be my strength

  1. Thank you for your comment Sarah. I appreciate your understanding that putting a marriage at risk comes from a place of pain rather than a place of fulfilment. I don’t hold my husband responsible for my choices at all, but we both accept that we both contributed to the unhealthiness of our relationship.

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    1. Sarah thank you so much for reading and encouraging me. It is an incredible story of God’s strength. He has been so much more than I could ever have believed or imagined.
      I felt like I had no choice but to share this, difficult as it is.

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  2. Your openness and vulnerability with this topic is incredible. It’s been so awesome to read about how God unfolded this whole painful story for you. Can’t wait to see where it goes.

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  3. Such a powerful story. Glad that you were able to hang onto hope even though I’m sure it was not easy. Writing for me has been very healing too. In many ways, it is my prayers to God. Blessings to you my new friend!

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  4. You said what I feel in the dark times… That God has to be the one to love when I feel unloved and understood by my husband, friends, family. It’s hard to trust that He will, but He always does.

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  5. hi:) thanks so much for being vunerable and sharing your marriage struggles! I also am In a very difficult marriage and Hope is what I hold on to! Jesus is our Hope! Thanks also for sharing about Gungor! I’ve never heard this music before and I love it!!:) blessings to you!

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