Day 2: Deep darkness

Thank you for coming back.

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Today I think that I need to tell you what the darkness was like. Not because you don’t understand, but maybe because you do.

The darkness was realising one day that I had been married for almost two decades and felt nothing for my spouse.

The darkness was asking endlessly ‘How did we get here?’ to which there was no answer that changed anything.

The darkness was broken marriage vows.

The darkness was broken hearts.

The darkness was a longing for a third party.

The darkness was the confusion of finding myself, a christian woman, deeply committed to pursuing discipleship of Christ, and yet breaking a fundamental commandment or two ( do not commit adultery, do not covet your neighbour’s husband).

The darkness was the realisation that motherhood and caring responsibilities and the trials of life had changed me in ways I did not want to be changed.

The darkness was trying to square the circle. To try to feel bad about things I didn’t feel bad about, and not be heartbroken over the things that were never mine to have. 

The darkness was certainty that my marriage would end. I wanted it to end. I didn’t know how I could be ‘that’ person, but I was ‘that’ person.

Darkness everywhere.

We had a holiday booked and I didn’t tell my husband all that he needed to be told until we were on that holiday because I wanted us to go and I knew that if I told him everything before then we wouldn’t go together. Some part of me knew that to leave the country as a family was important. It made no sense but we did it.

And on the first morning of the holiday I wrote this in my journal:

“God I trust you with this ( my heartbreak over the third party). You know how much it matters to me. You know how much I want to be able to make it work out alright. But I give it to you – just for this month. I can’t see beyond that.”

I couldn’t even see the 30 days ahead. But I knew that the God I followed had said that I should trust Him, and so as an act of will I trusted him with that relationship. I could never have anticipated what trusting God was going to entail.

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8 thoughts on “Day 2: Deep darkness

  1. I absolutely adore the topic you have chosen, and will be keeping up with you for at least the next 30 days! My husband and I have a remarkable story of adultery, separation, healing, and redemption. God is calling me to a ministry for women who have walked a similar path and I am so excited to hear your story! God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This speaks of grace. We can’t ever really know how far ahead into the future things will be, right? We only have these moments. The ones we live in here and now. You have chosen the grace of staying present. That takes courage and breeds hope. Thank you for sharing your stories.

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  3. I’m finally having a chance to read this. This pierces me heart in so many ways. In that darkness I never had an affair…. but yet I’m not real sure if circumstances were different I wouldn’t have. I just don’t know.. at that point though I wanted nothing to do with men period. Then again…

    So your words mean so much…

    Liked by 1 person

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